I let myself go to a dark place last week.
A year ago I finished months of cancer treatment - daily radiation, chemo, lots of hospital procedures…the works.
My first scans were encouraging.
Since then, the pain has begun to ease, I’ve started gaining strength and weight, and the good days have begun to outnumber the bad ones.
So 10 days ago, after a day of MRIs, CT scans, scopes and bloods, I was feeling confident that when I got my results, the news would be good.
And then I did exactly what many people warned me not to do.
I started googling.
High recurrence rate for my type of cancer.
High risk for my age.
High probability of metastasis within two years.
Limited treatment options for recurrences.
My mind went into a tailspin.
What if it comes back?
What if I don’t get through the next round?
What if the last 6 months was just temporary good luck?
I barely slept and couldn’t focus.
And then, I recognised what was happening.
Because I’ve been here before.
Early in my career I used to catastrophise:
Fear of losing an important client.
Fear of a key team member resigning.
Fear of not making payroll.
Fear of the business collapsing.
Different context, but same brain - mine.
But I learned to manage it with a simple sequence:
Catch the pattern.
Notice the mental spiral before it hijacks everything.
Normalise it.
This is not weakness, it’s biology.
Our brains are wired with a negativity bias that constantly scans for danger. It kept our ancestors alive, but it can paralyse modern leaders (and cancer patients) if we don’t name it.
Separate what’s in my control from what isn’t.
Prepare for what I can influence.
Release what I can’t.
Press the reset button.
The gym is my happy place.
For me, the fastest way to interrupt a thought loop is with exercise. It reminds my nervous system, I’m not being hunted by a lion, just a spreadsheet… or an MRI result.
So I did all of that, and it worked.
Within a few hours my mind had steadied.
I was calm enough to sit with the uncertainty.
On Wednesday, I met my oncologist.
And I’m deeply grateful to say: no sign of recurrence, and a steady healing response.
A huge relief.
But what’s really struck me is that I’m currently coaching a client who’s facing a very similar mental pattern.
For her it’s about fear of “what if” volatility in her (very successful) business.
And the work is the same:
Catch the fear.
Name it.
Challenge the story.
Act where you can.
Let go where you can’t.
Protect your wellbeing like it’s part of your job, because it is.
Once you build the muscle to face uncertainty without collapsing into worst-case thinking, something powerful happens:
You stop being ruled by fear.
You start leading yourself and others with clarity, not panic.